Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
