wrigley field is MILF paradise
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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