Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
