You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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