More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
