Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize