im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
