made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
