its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
