Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
