How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
