so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
