there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
