No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
