You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
