Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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