Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
