Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
