Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
