I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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