just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
