I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
