Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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