Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
