They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
