I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
