I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
