I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
