He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
