my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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