Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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