Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
