toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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