Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I cut my penus on the lid.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
