He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
