I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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