oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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