Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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