okay pat passed out under dana's car
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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