I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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