My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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