Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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