I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
