my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
