3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
