I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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