Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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