and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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