I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
