3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
