I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
