He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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