why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
