There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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