i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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