just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
