I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
