Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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