I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
