I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
