There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
